Gay & Bi Men · Doms, Subs & Switches
Gay BDSM, On Your Own Terms.
Gay BDSM is kink between men, for gay and bi men alike: Doms, subs and switches, leather, gear, rope, and power handed over because both of you agreed to it. On My BDSM Directory you describe your role and limits however you like, you search by place, and you talk before you meet. Joining is free.
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What is gay BDSM, and who is it for?
Gay BDSM is bondage, discipline, dominance, submission and the rest of the kink alphabet, played between men. That's the whole definition. It takes in a bi man who has only played with women and wonders what it's like with a man, two leathermen who have shared a home for twenty years, and a younger sub who has just put a name to what he wants. The ground rules are the ones everyone in the lifestyle lives by: limits agreed out loud, a safeword, and care afterward. What sets it apart is a long history of its own and a habit of men looking out for each other. Nobody has to fit a type to belong.
Where it comes from
A tradition gay men built for each other
A good deal of what the wider BDSM world now takes for granted grew up in gay leather culture. From the 1950s on, leather bars and motorcycle clubs gave men somewhere to meet when most places wouldn't have them, and the customs that came out of those rooms are still with us: gear looked after and worn with pride, newcomers taught by men with years behind them, and discretion treated as ordinary good manners. You don't need to own a single piece of leather to be part of gay BDSM today. It still helps to know whose shoulders you're standing on.
Your corner of it
The kinds of BDSM gay and bi men explore
If you typed "BDSM gay" into a search bar, you probably wanted two answers: is there room for someone like me, and what does it actually involve? Room, yes. There's no single gay way to do kink. Some men care most about protocol and a clear chain of command; others want rope, sensation, or a wrestling match with agreed rules; plenty just love the look and feel of gear. Roles can stay fixed for years or swap from one night to the next. Age, build and experience matter far less than people fear, and being new is fine as long as you say so. These are the words you'll see most often on men's profiles.
- Leather
- Jackets, boots, harnesses and caps. For some men it's a look; for others it's a code with manners of its own.
- Gear and rubber
- Rubber, latex, sportswear and uniforms, loved for the feel of wearing them as much as the look.
- Rope
- Ties that take a minute or an hour. It's a skill, and good riggers usually like teaching it.
- Pup and handler
- Play where a man becomes a bouncy, devoted pup and his handler keeps an eye on him. Often sweeter than outsiders expect.
- Dom, sub, switch
- Who leads and who follows, by agreement. A switch enjoys both, depending on the man and the mood.
An honest answer
Is My BDSM Directory a fit for gay and bi men?
It's a fit if you want BDSM first and everything else second. The directory is open to men, women, couples and LGBT members, and men are its largest group, about six in ten of everyone who has joined since 2019. What it doesn't do is sort members by who they're hoping to meet, so not every man here is into men. Read profiles properly, because members say in their own words who they're after, and say it clearly in yours. Searching works by place, so start close to home and widen your radius if your area turns out to be quiet.
| Kind of place | Built for | Worth knowing |
|---|---|---|
| Mainstream gay hookup apps | Speed, and whoever is nearby right now | Short profiles leave little room to set out a role, a dynamic or your limits |
| Big kink social networks | Discussion, photos, groups and posts about local get-togethers | Huge and sprawling; finding someone within reach takes digging |
| A BDSM directory such as this one | Profiles built around role, interests and limits, sorted by place | A mixed membership, so check who each man says he wants to meet |
More on the trade-offs in our guide to BDSM sites.
Your profile
A profile that tells other men where you stand
The men who get good replies are the ones who make it easy for the other person. Give your role, or say you're still working it out. Say whether you're looking for men only or for men and women, because no filter can do that part for you and it saves everyone time. Name two or three things you enjoy, your firm limits and how much experience you have, then mention a life outside kink: work, weekends, what makes you laugh. Showing your face is your call; plenty of discreet men wait until they trust someone. Not ready to meet yet? Start with BDSM chat.
Your role
Dom. Obey.
Dom, fairly experienced, patient with beginners. I like structure and I take aftercare seriously.
Who you want
Anyone.
Looking for men, mostly subs or switches, within an hour of me.
Your limits
No limits.
Hard limits are listed below. Happy to talk through anything else over coffee.
Before any scene
Negotiation and safewords between men
Good kink between two men is mostly good conversation. Cover these out loud, and sober, before playing with anyone new.
- Roles and experienceWho leads, how much each of you has done, and whether this is a one-off.
- Hard and soft limitsA hard limit is a no every time. A soft limit is a maybe for another day, never something to push on the night.
- A safeword and a signalAgree on a word, plus a gesture for when talking isn't possible, such as letting go of something held in the hand.
- HealthA bad back, a heart condition, medication, drink. Sexual health too, frankly and without embarrassment.
- AftercareWhat each of you needs afterward: water and a blanket, a quiet talk, a message the next day.
Power exchange that lasts beyond a single scene has its own page: the Dom/sub relationship, from both sides.
Meeting up
Gay BDSM safety: the first meeting
Plenty of men are used to apps where a chat turns into an address within ten minutes. Slow that right down here. Talk on the site for a while, have a short call, and meet somewhere public for a coffee or a drink before anyone's place comes into it. Before heading out, tell a buddy which bar or coffee shop, and when he should expect your all-clear. Keep the first meeting vanilla; a decent Dom won't mind waiting, and a sub worth meeting won't rush you either. Members see your username and nearest town, not your legal name, email or street, which counts for a lot if you aren't out at work or at home.
Signs to walk away
- Money comes up, for any reason, before you've even met.
- He wants to move to another app on day one. The site flags that, because scammers love it.
- Your limits get treated as an opening offer.
- He can never manage a short call, or his story keeps shifting.
- Any hint that he could tell your family or your boss. Block him and report him straight away.
A block cuts him off at once, a report goes in without leaving the site, and real people answer support around the clock. The verified badge comes from a free ID check, so see whether he has bothered to get one. Rather meet people at a munch first? See our BDSM community page.
Real profiles
Men On The Directory.
A few of the men who have joined, with photos blurred for visitors. Not every man here is into men, so read what each one says he's looking for.
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WealthyFanatic, 61
Wells
a smile from my partner as we explore bdsm together
See who's near you -
jtroe36, 79
Childs Wickham
right you asked for this i have lots of other interest but the main one being ufo,s and people are going missing all over the world we are not being told.would you like to know more on this subject.
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ID verified SwitchDomSub, 68
Wisbech
Seeking Males, Females, Couples, Cd’s, Trans, all welcome. Any Body Type, Age Range - 20yrs to 75yrs. For me as a Sub, Total Submission, No Hesitation, No Complaint, be it Humiliation, Degradation, Discipline, or just to amuse you! As a Dom, you will receive the accumulated knowledge of my submissive life. Limits Respected, Code words used. Beginners will be guided through their training, help given to decide on the right route through BDSM for you. Aftercare given.
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ID verified LondonHung, 26
Dagenham
I'm a 5'9" Libra with tattoos, looking for a female partner who shares my interest in kink. Friends with benefits or something more, I'm open to exploring whatever dynamic works. If you’re into roleplay, spanking, or a bit of dominance, hit me up and let's chat about what we can create together.
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QuietCalypsoBD, 53
Leeds
I am a slim Bi Guy from Leeds, totally uninhibited and looking to explore my kinks which are Medical role play, and mild BDSM fetish play. Happy to explore new avenues too. I can travel but not accommodate, I am clean and discreet and expect same in return.
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Pantera89, 37
Folkestone
I'll fill this in later, need to think of something to say.
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ID verified Boundtobe, 62
Ipswich
Meeting new people, all forms of BDSM, rope play, tie n tease. Happy to switch.
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ID verified filthysu756, 44
Chichester
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hotdogbisc331, 57
Eastleigh
often aloof, sometimes cold, always interesting and rarely dull
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alistairw233, 65
Hinckley
Looking to find that Special Lady to enjoy life with to the full and explore our fantasies together.
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RampantRocker69, 66
Colchester
Seeing restrained females in extraordinary positions, being restrained myself, edging, mild flogging, X cross securing...
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badoldgoth, 58
York
I am an old romantic beast who enjoys fine food, art galleries, country walks and taking a girl by her hair, pulling her over my knee and spanking her arse crimson, black and blue until there is no more salt left in her eyes and her heart is wet and fizzy.
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Questions men ask
Fair Questions, Plain Answers.
Can gay and bi men join My BDSM Directory?
Yes, and it costs nothing to join. Nobody is turned away for their orientation, so make your profile say whether you're after men, or men and women, and what role you play.
How many gay men use the site?
We can't give you an honest number, so we won't give one at all. Signing up doesn't ask who you're hoping to meet, which means nobody can count men seeking men. The quickest way to find out is to search your own area and read what the men there say they want.
I've never done anything like this with a man. Where do I start?
Say exactly that on your profile. Plenty of men are happy to go slowly with someone new, and being upfront puts off the wrong ones. Learn the basics of limits and safewords, swap plenty of messages, and let the first meeting be a coffee, no more than that.
Is gay BDSM all about leather?
No. Leather means a great deal to some men and nothing to others. Gear, rope, protocol, pup play and simple power exchange all have their fans, and your profile can list whichever fits you, or nothing beyond your role.
How do I keep things discreet if I'm not out?
Pick a username your coworkers would never connect to you. Profiles don't display legal names or email addresses, and they place you by nearest town, not street. Share a face picture when you decide to. Block anyone who unsettles you, and report any man who threatens to out you.
Is gay BDSM on My BDSM Directory free?
Signing up is free of charge. With a free account you can finish a full profile, browse, check your daily match picks and message other members within a daily allowance. Answering a VIP member is always allowed. Going VIP takes the cap off messaging and brings filters by city and distance, the chat rooms, and the right to start a private group chat.
Your terms
Say What You Want, Then Look Close By.
Make a free profile, say plainly what you're after, and start searching close to home.
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